A Poem a Day

Keeps the heartache at bay

Tag: Autism

  • It’s All in Your Head

    Everyday is different, yet difficult all the same.
    Everyday I want it all to stop.
    I know, to you, these are just more complaints.
    How lucky you are, not to have to live this way.
    I know my mood swings are…an inconvenience.
    But, everyday I want to cry.
    To stop trying, stop carrying this lie.
    Because the truth is, I am FAR from fine.
    I have moments, precious moments
    But they’re fleeting, become sparse with time.
    I am the epitome of misery.
    At least that’s how I feel, almost every second of the day.
    It’s come to where I anxiously await a good day.
    But you know you gotta grin and bear it
    Because society doesn’t like sad people
    Face it, you don’t either.
    So you’d rather believe in “I’m fine” than recognize that this ‘thing’ is slowly eating me alive.
    A slow sad poison from within.
    There isn’t enough oxytocin to keep it at bay
    All of the antibodies, slain.
    And somehow, I’m expected to not break down.
    To silently exist, silently resist, silently, anything but loud.
    Because it’s all in your head.
    Your head, your mind, your brain is one thing but it’s making you choose sides.
    Begging you to pick me no pick me
    While it’s more fuck you and fuck you more on the surface,
    Lost in a haze of darkness because the light is too potent, too harsh
    Unlike the silent dark, because that’s what you most wish for, silence, no jitters, no hindsight, no futuristic predictions
    You’ve adopted a predilection for solitude,
    Inherited a knack for loneliness,
    Built an imaginary imagination
    Where the days are easier,
    Where the thoughts have dimmed down to a hum,
    Where human interaction doesn’t make me physically ill.
    I much prefer that fantasy
    As opposed to the reality of having never moved from this bed

  • Missing Puzzle Pieces

    Missing Puzzle Pieces

    Getting diagnosed as autistic at 30 is realizing your parents tried to beat the disability out of you until you learned to internalize it so it wouldn’t be visible.

    It’s realizing that you were gaslighted into thinking you didn’t need crutches, so you’ve been limping around thinking that how everyone is supposed to walk

    And then you’re told it’s not.

    I feel cheated, mistreated, ignored, unseen. Because I was well enough to be good enough, but I’ve never felt complete.

    Always felt like I was chasing something on the horizon that someone else could see

    I kept trusting that the more towards it I got the clearer it would be.

    But that line just got further and further and more matter how hard I searched I just couldn’t see what they wanted me to look for.

    Could never obtain what they wanted for me, what they wanted me to want for myself.

    Now I know my present options are different, my motherboard has been rearranged so the buttons don’t all work the same.

    But because it was too hard to figure that out they painted my buttons to look like everyone else’s, made me write down each function and label it.

    Blue means laugh, no! Blue means sad.

    I had to teach myself how to act, speak, even breathe like them

    Now I have to relearn how to do those things as myself.

    Unravel the personalities woven into this basket case and determine what actually belongs.