It’s All in Your Head

Everyday is different, yet difficult all the same.
Everyday I want it all to stop.
I know, to you, these are just more complaints.
How lucky you are, not to have to live this way.
I know my mood swings are…an inconvenience.
But, everyday I want to cry.
To stop trying, stop carrying this lie.
Because the truth is, I am FAR from fine.
I have moments, precious moments
But they’re fleeting, become sparse with time.
I am the epitome of misery.
At least that’s how I feel, almost every second of the day.
It’s come to where I anxiously await a good day.
But you know you gotta grin and bear it
Because society doesn’t like sad people
Face it, you don’t either.
So you’d rather believe in “I’m fine” than recognize that this ‘thing’ is slowly eating me alive.
A slow sad poison from within.
There isn’t enough oxytocin to keep it at bay
All of the antibodies, slain.
And somehow, I’m expected to not break down.
To silently exist, silently resist, silently, anything but loud.
Because it’s all in your head.
Your head, your mind, your brain is one thing but it’s making you choose sides.
Begging you to pick me no pick me
While it’s more fuck you and fuck you more on the surface,
Lost in a haze of darkness because the light is too potent, too harsh
Unlike the silent dark, because that’s what you most wish for, silence, no jitters, no hindsight, no futuristic predictions
You’ve adopted a predilection for solitude,
Inherited a knack for loneliness,
Built an imaginary imagination
Where the days are easier,
Where the thoughts have dimmed down to a hum,
Where human interaction doesn’t make me physically ill.
I much prefer that fantasy
As opposed to the reality of having never moved from this bed