Finding Calm in the Chaos

It’s just that,

Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning. 

Like, I want to dip my toes in the ocean on a hot summer day,

But as soon as they touch the water

A hurricane of wind and rain sweeps me away.

Most of the time, I’m spinning.

Being hurled around and around,

Fighting against the air being pushed into my lungs.

Sometimes I command the storm.

The thunder and lightning,

The tsunamis and monsoons;

We are one and the same, breathing into one another.

Other times, I fly into the eye of the storm; floating on silent waves.

As everything rages away

All I can do is focus on every breath.

On, staying afloat until I can swim back to shore.

I can’t shout, I have to make every breath count.

I can’t cry, I couldn’t muster up an SOS if I tried.

And then there are the times I actually make it back to the line between the land and the sea.

When I realize the only thing damaged in the storm was me.

I take my time away from the shoreline.

Away from the waves, and the sun.

From the calls of the sky, and the horizon.

Until, inevitably, I find myself back at that line between the land and the sea.

Between living and existing.

Inching my toes closer, wondering what the outcome might be this time.

To see if we might endure the pain of life.

If we might survive the perils of treading the open waters before us.

Or if floating, fighting and drowning is all there is to be found.